In Which I Completely Freak Out, But It's Really All Okay...Mostly

I had to switch psychiatrists when I changed insurance (which I had to do because my company cut health insurance, and claimed it was Obamacare's fault, even though we all know that's bull*).
My previous one was very gentle with medications.  She put me on the lowest effective dose of my medication, and even though I still had a few highs and lows - some days I'd wake up, start 5 projects, not finish any, take a nap, and then be normal; some days I'd be cycling negative thoughts all day, then take a nap and be normal - I was able to function and was doing ok.  I've said it before: medication changed my life.  It's good for me.
I chose my new psychiatrist based on how I only had a month left of pills and she was the only one in the whole Aurora system who would see me without a referral from an Aurora psychologist, despite how I've been on these pills for 3 freaking years and only 3 total doctors' visits are covered by my insurance so I don't have time or money for your shit, Aurora!  (My last psychiatrist saw me every 6 months or less, so I didn't think the "3 dr visits/yr" thing would be too too terrible - 1 physical, 2 psych, done.  Sure, there are emergencies to cover, but I'm poor, and I had to weigh the monthly cost vs the possible cost of an extra dr visit or two, and it came down to: sometimes we run out of food between paychecks, so bigger monthly cost is just not going to work for us.)  This new psychiatrist is not averse to medication, and doesn't seem to care how many of them she prescribes.  The first thing she said to me after looking at my papers was, "Did your previous doctor ever tell you why she didn't raise your prescription?  This isn't a therapeutic dose.  This isn't safe.  Those little highs and lows can build up and trigger a larger episode."  Cue freakout #1.


I'm fine!  I'm fine!  Even if I still have highs and lows, it's ok, I'm doing really well, I'm not crazy, just a little bit crazy, I'll be ok, please don't make me take any more!
Then I thought about it and I figured: A) She's a doctor.  Big points on her side.  B) I was against medication in the first place, and then against an increase back when I needed one, and I was wrong both times.  I'm probably wrong now.  Medication changed my life, and it's good for me.
So we agreed: I'd increase from 100mg to 150mg.
I went home and researched the crap out of my medication, its interaction with other medications, and recommended dosages of it.  She was right.  I did this research about once a week (just to reassure myself) until my next appointment, a month later.  She asked that I keep a mood journal, but I stopped a few days in because I realized I was just stressed and cranky all the time, and there was no point in writing that down every day.
So now it's appointment #2.  I was running late, and it made me nervous, because I didn't want her to be mad at me.  Also, this new psych (Dr. Kim, BTW) makes me nervous.  Idk why, she just scares me.  So I'm fidgeting - bouncing my knee, playing with my shirt, etc.  I tell her I've been cranky since she increased my dosage.  I tell her that I worked 110 hours in the last 2 weeks, which is probably why I'm so stressed, but that I still feel like I was more stressed than I should have been, and that I've been cycling a lot and don't know how to stop it when it happens.  (When I say "cycling" I mean that I'm stuck in a rut of negative thoughts, over and over, and I don't know how to stop them.)  She says that the medication increase didn't cause that.  She wants to bring me up to 200mg.
Ok, still ok.  She said she might do that, and the research I've done says that it makes sense, and that's ok.
Then she says, "And I want to put you on something for your ADHD."  Cue freakout #2.
Nononononono, I don't have ADHD.  I was tested for it like 7 or 8 times in elementary school, and they said I didn't have it.  They said I was just a bit ahead of the other kids, so I got bored.  But I never really had problems with grades (ok, I didn't do my homework, and that made my grades go down, but homework is dumb and boring and takes up too much time).  I don't have ADHD.  Annoying people have ADHD.  And yes, I lose things and forget things, and I'm really bad with details, and I do talk too much, which is weird for an introvert, but you know, everyone's different. And I hate it when people walk too slowly.  And yes, I do get super-absorbed in my entertainment because it stops my mind racing, but I just...have a racing mind.  People do that, right?  Doesn't everyone chain their thoughts together like that?  Doesn't everyone function like this?
AND WHY can't I have just one thing?  Bi-polar.  I'm Bi-polar.  Just a little Bi-polar.  Like a tiny bit.  That's my thing, my one thing. Why can't I just have one thing?
If she had said, "anxiety," I'd have been ok with it.  I could believe that.  But not having ADHD is a part of my self-narrative.  It's a part of how I make sense of what happened with me when we lived in New Berlin and I was getting beaten up and the teachers did nothing and hated me.  I got tested for ADD 5 or 7 times, but not because I had it.  It's because I was too smart and there was no gifted-and-talented program.  I got bored.  God, I sound like such an asshole. But I never had problems at other schools, at least not like that.
I took the prescription from her because she said I could take it if I started cycling, and that would help me stop.  She said I should do my research and we would "come to an agreement."  She said, "This medication I'm giving you (Clonazepam) has a chance of addiction, but I'm not worried about that with you because you like control too much."
What?!  I mean, I know...I mean...shut up!  This is my second appointment!  You've known me for 2 hours!
So I cried all the way to the pharmacy, and cried on the phone to my mom.  I was panicked.  I felt like a crazy person, and at the same time like a horrible hypocrite.  For all I talk about getting rid of the stigma of mental illness, for all I've tried to make myself a sort of spokesperson, for all I've tried to tell people that these disorders are real and ok and that it's a treatable illness, which is more than some people can say - for all of that, when it comes to myself, I panic at the thought of increasing my medication, or at the thought of being "crazier" than I thought I was.
Evidently I can only accept being Bi-polar when  feel like I'm in control of it.  Then I'm not weak, I'm strong, and in charge of my illness.  Now my doctor is changing my meds and it's making me feel like I'm not in control, and even worse, like I haven't been as in control as I thought I had been for 4 years on my low dose.
Evidently I can only accept 1 mental illness - that's normal and ok, but if I have 2, then I'm really crazy?
Evidently I can use the term "crazy" as a joke, to ease the tension of talking about these things, until this happens and "crazy" is this terrible thing that I must be.  I know I'm crazy, but I can't be that crazy?
Evidently ADHD is something I just can't accept.  Evidently I'm the one with a prejudice against a mental illness.  JOKE'S ON ME.
So that's been rough.  My mom gave me a good pep-talk and offered to help with the costs that I was going to start running up, since I was dumb when I bought my health insurance.  She said she'd help me get a therapist, too, which I feel like I really need right now, between my stress with changing doctors and the mass of family drama that is continuing to develop.  I haven't ever found a therapist that I've liked, so I just haven't gone to any in a long time.  I found a drug that worked before I found a therapist that did, so I gave up.  But I do need to see someone, and I've been feeling that way for a while, so I'm glad my mom is helping.
She also said that it sounded like Dr. Kim read me like a book, and that not liking someone because they're telling you things you don't want to hear is not a good way to go through life.  (Oh no!  I broke my code!  I was a dick!)  Maybe Dr. Kim is my Davos Seaworth.

I'm still not convinced about the ADHD thing.  Although I do have a number of the symptoms, I don't have all of them, and I feel like they're worse around Dr. Kim because she makes me nervous.
I'm also not convinced about the Clonazepam, since that's for panic disorders, and I don't get panic attacks - I don't think.  When I cycle, it's just repetitive negative thoughts that I can't break out of.  (It can be very claustrophobic.)  I don't get short of breath or any of that stuff, though.  I just get frustrated that I can't break the cycle and then I have trouble focusing because I'm frustrated, which makes me more frustrated, which makes me more frustrated, which makes me more frustrated...so, that's why I call it cycling.  I don't think that fits the definition of a panic attack, and that's what Clonazepam is for, not ADHD.  So that's also weird.
I'm thinking I might get a second opinion.  Not necessarily because I don't believe her, but maybe just to help myself come to terms with all this crap.  Maybe that'll be my therapist.  Now I have to go find a therapist.  Bah.

I don't have anything else to say, but I needed to get my anxiety off my chest, and I wanted you all to know that I'm an arrogant, hypocritical control freak sometimes.  Maybe a lot of the time.  It's been a rough week.


* "The Affordable Care Act says full-time workers are those who work at least 30 hours per week on average over 52 weeks. Companies with 50 or more workers must provide health care to their full-time workers or face a fine, the law states. The law does not require a company to eliminate benefits for workers who become part-timers...Because college workers often take breaks for vacations and summers, many Sodexo workers will not meet the law’s full-time standard over the course of a year...Sodexo officials have conceded to university administrators that the change is less about compliance with the law and more about 'remaining competitive' in the marketplace...Sodexo will compensate workers who lose vacations and sick days by giving them an 'equivalent increase in pay to compensate.'"

I got $0.55/hr, which covers my loss of sick/vacation pay (1 month=1 day off, which is ok), but it fails to take into account the $10,000 of life insurance we got, as well as a few other nice benefits. At least we keep the 401k. As for "staying competitive," we're one of the 3 biggest food-service companies in the states, and are a world-wide company (I once met a Sodexo worker on a mountain top in Venezuela - cool!). I think they could take it - they operate in many countries with more "socialist" laws than the US, and they're still booming. Welcome to the Post-Employment Economy. Thank God I have a job at all, though. Really.