My Body

I'm pretty ok with it.  I mean, sometimes I have fat days and I hate my body, but everyone does that.  For the most part, though, I love my body.

I've gained some weight, and I'm not where I sometimes think I'd like to be - I weigh more than my boyfriend - but I still have my curves, and I can still look in the mirror and feel sexy.  Usually, I do.  Plus, the thing I would have to do to lose the weight?  Not worth it.  I like me.  I actually like the little paunch under my belly button and I like that I have a thick bottom and thighs.  The thing I take most issue with is my stomach, and you know what?  It's fine.  I'm ok with it.  This is all still a work in progress, I guess.  My thoughts are a bit scattered right now.

I guess this is the same thing I hear trumpeted all over: "Be yourself!"  "Be proud of who you are!"  Sure, easier said than done.  I know a lot of it springs, admittedly, from having the worlds most non-judgmental boyfriend, who really, honestly doesn't care what I do with my appearance, as long as I'm happy.  Paradoxically, it also comes from my forays into feminism - it's only recently I've learned that that's not a dirty word for someone who hates men, but a word for someone who believes women should have equal rights.  I know, I know, SHOCKER.  But the culture I was raised in shrinks back from that word like it's something a bit nasty, that someone shouldn't want to be.  So that's something else I'm taking back, that word.  I am a feminist (if sometimes a very bad one) because I am a woman, and I believe that I have the power and capability to do whatever I want, and I believe that I deserve to be paid equally for it.  This came as a surprise to me.  Like the rest of this whole business, it's a work in progress.

I like my pubic hair.  I've shaved it and not shaved it back and forth my whole life, but right now, I'm keeping it.  I've had it a while, but a bit ago I shaved it again on a whim.  I looked so small and shy!  I didn't like it.  That's not who I want my privates to be, if that makes sense.  They're not small and shy, they're powerful and loud.  So I keep it.  I do trim some, for courtesy's sake, obviously.  No need to get carried away.

Sometimes I'm self-conscious of my crooked back, but I can't fix it, so I have to own it.  It's behind me, so that helps.

So again, it's a work in progress.  My point is, it's up to you to make you beautiful.  Not by changing to accommodate society or men, but by loving yourself and the body you live in.  If you want to fix things for health reasons, more power to you.  But if you want to fix yourself so that you look good for someone else, forget it.  To thine own self be wicked sexy

And again, sometimes I do change for someone else.  I'll fix my hair the way my mom likes, and I'd be willing to shave my bits occasionally for my guy, but it's not something I'm willing to do all the time.  If they expect me to do those things all the time, that's a problem.

I don't wear makeup or pantyhose and I don't put much effort into my hair.  I don't want to go through the time and effort it takes to look "effortless" and "natural," the way I'm told I should.

Amy Farrah Fowler by Sebastian König

I do put some restraints on myself.  If I did what I really wanted with my appearance, I wouldn't have a job. That's the price of being a manager, I guess, though I don't really agree with it.  Given the choice, I'd dye my hair blue or shave my head or possibly a little of both.  I'd have visible tattoos on my wrists and neck.  I'd wear different clothes.  I guess these are things I can't really change, or am not willing to make the lifestyle changes I would need to to accommodate these things, but regardless of what I can't do with my body, there are things I can do, or can refrain from doing, and I do or don't do those things because this is my body.  I do or don't because I like or don't like the result or because I'm willing or not willing to put in the effort.  It's all a work in progress, as one's life always is.  But in a world full of things you can't control, and a world full of people telling you how you should look and what you should do with your body, I'm saying no.  This?  This is mine.  And I'm keeping it.