Are you happy? Or JOYFUL?

I went to a Christian Women's retreat awhile back.  It was pretty awesome.  I'd been to a few teen retreats and the national Youth Rally, but I'd always found them boring and dumb.  Love Jesus, hate the machine, amiright, man?  Society doesn't control me!
Um...anyway...
This one wasn't like that (possibly because my views on "society, man" have matured, but more likely because this thing was far less structured).  It was, in fact, pretty awesome, as previously stated.  We showed up on Friday night, had a little opening service, then had dinner and played games (me, Mom, Aunty, and a friend from church played Taboo [which is the best game, if you're not playing with my fiancee, who always wins, no matter who he's paired with - we once rotated him all night so that he was partnered with each person, and whichever team he was on always won, even when he was paired with the girl who said Harry Potter was a bad series of books, but Twilight was good and so was clearly stupid (yay parenthesis)]).  On Saturday, we had a whole day of Bible studies.  Sunday, there was a closing service and we all went home.  It was kind of whirl-wind, with only about an hour on Saturday set aside for "quiet time."
What was really cool was that it was all put on by my mom's church, so most of the ladies there were from the same place, the group was pretty small, and each study was led by one of the ladies.  Each one picked a different topic to cover and covered it in their own way.  It wasn't too structured then, we were all sort of feeling our way through it, and I feel like I learned a ton.  It was very enriching (and I now feel like I know what that word even means).
The theme was blessings, and more specifically, blessings in suffering.  The question came up again and again - do you want happiness or joy?  What's the difference?

You Do It By Doing It (Prayers Part 2)

I'm not always good about prayer.  Even when I remember to read my Bible before bed (more rare now that I'm married and it's not alone time anymore), the prayer part is kind of hard.  Like most kids, I was raised praying before you eat (that's gotta be a short one) and before bed.  The problem with praying before bed is, well, I fall asleep.  From what I understand, it's a common problem.
But Paul tells us (again!) to pray continually.  Not before we go to bed.  Not whenever we think of it.  Not even 7 times a day.  Continually.
I mentioned in my other post that I like to think of this as molding one's actions so that every thing we do is a sort of prayer.  Other people talk about turning your inner monologue into an inner dialogue with God.
Well, that's Great!  How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Well, I'll tell you:
I don't know.
I'll come back around to this later, but first here's a sad story (I have the worst life):
I've been really negative about work lately.  I have wanted to quit my job for a while now, but life circumstances were keeping me here.  Then those life circumstances went away and I'm free to pursue my dreams or whatever.  But until I have a new job, I have to stick with this one, because, well...
Finding a new job is hard.  It's discouraging.  I've got a college degree and 5 years of managerial experience under my belt, but most of the jobs I've applied for haven't even called back.  Of those that did, all but one just turned me down flat.  I got one interview and never heard from that place again.  I tried to get another good part-time internship to boost my resume, but after being selected as part of the 10% they chose to interview, I didn't get it.
BUMMER.
So I'm already discouraged by my job search, and now I have to go in to this job I don't even want.  It's so easy to get down, and to slack because you're being negative.  But God calls us to do our work diligently, even when it sucks.  How am I supposed to stay positive?
Then a prayer just kind of Hit me.  It's an old one, one I've known my whole life, one that I've never really thought about before, and one that, like all the best prayers, is set to music:

Create in me a clean heart, oh God,

And renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence,

And take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation

And uphold me with you free spirit.  Amen.

How many times have I sung that in church?  How many times have I mouthed those words without really thinking about them?  This prayer, this right here, encapsulates all the things I've been struggling with lately (no, always): frustration, bitterness, hopelessness, feeling weak.

So I started praying it.

During moments of weakness, whenever I was feeling negative or tempted, I would sing this to myself.  I got it stuck in my head and found myself humming it unconsciously from time to time.  The tune stuck in my head would remind me of the words and I would find myself praying.  Sure, it was the same prayer over and over, but it's a good one, and a meaningful one.  And I find that when my brain remembers to pray, I start adding little things on the end, a little conversation with God that I wouldn't be having otherwise.
I'm still not good about praying before bed, and these little prayers throughout the day don't always cover all the ground that needs covered, but you know what?  That's one of the things I'm praying about.  

That's right, I'm praying that I'll get better at praying.  I can do that.  Call the cops, I don't even care.
I've also been trying to pray about things immediately upon hearing about them.  We all say, "I'll pray for you."  And then I forget, probably you do too (agree with me, it makes me feel better about my failings).  But what's stopping me from doing it right then and there?  Or 5 minutes later as I walk to my car?  I can totally pray while walking to my car.  I can pray while cleaning dishes.  I can pray while feeding the cat.  You can't even stop me.  Punk Prayer, y'all!

Um...

Anyway...

God doesn't need 15 min every night before bed.  He needs always.  He doesn't need a well-crafted essay.  He doesn't even need words.

"The essential part of this (prayer) is not in the words, but in the faith, contrition, and self-surrender to the Lord.  With these feelings, one can stand before the Lord even without any words, and it will still be a prayer." --Russian Bishop Theophan

He Keeps Phoning Me Up (Prayers Part 1)

Once upon a time: A king wanted to marry a certain man's daughter.  Her father demanded a huge dowry.  The king told him, "Go to my treasurer and ask him for whatever you want."  The man went to the treasurer and asked an outrageous sum.  The treasurer ran to the king and said, "Great king!  This man is trying to cheat you!  Even a small fraction of what he asks would be sufficient for this dowry!"  But the king replied, "No.  Give this father what he asks.  He does me honor.  He proves by what he asks that he believes me to be both rich and generous."  The end.
When I heard this story, the great king was Alexander the Great.  But in searching the internet, I have found this story only in sermon texts, so I am lead to assume that it's in no way true.  Once upon a time.
The same week I heard this sermon, I overheard a couple of guys talking.  "It never hurts to ask.  You are allowed to say no.  If I ask for your soul and you say yes, I will demand it from you.  You can say no, but most people don't.  You'd be amazed what you can get just by asking."
Then later that same week, a friend of mine gave me a book called The Power of a Praying Wife.  It's an ok book.  I don't know how I feel about some of the things the author talks about in the exposition sections (gender stereotypes ahoy!), but it has some Bible verses and prayers at the end of each chapter (which are really the point anyway), and those are always good.
Anyway, I feel like someone's trying to tell me something.  Hmm...

Wedding Weirdness

Funny story:

I got married.  It's weird.
Or at least, it's weird in that it's not weird.  Yeah?  People keep asking, "Soooo, what's married life like?  >wink, wink, nudge<  Is it different?"  And no, it's pretty much the same.  I mean, we live together, and there's sex now, which is pretty great, and About Freaking Time, but otherwise, things just is.  Not that it's not good.  It's just not that different.  Which is good.  I don't know.
Anyway, people said my wedding was cool, which is cool.  I mean, I guess they're supposed to say that, but I think it went pretty well.  I've been to some flop weddings before, and I was thinking, "How do I know if that's me?"  The main thing I hate at weddings is the massive wait between the wedding and the reception, where the party goes off and takes pictures, and everyone else sits around forever not allowed to eat.  I went to a wedding recently where the time and place of the reception weren't listed, only to find out after the ceremony that the reception was at the same place, so we all sat down and waited 3 Freaking Hours for the party to show up.  Then the food was bad and there was no dance.  Hell, just don't have a reception then.  But anyway, I think I did ok, so here's some things I did.  You can do them too, if you want to be as cool as me or whatever.

Living the Life

This here.  This is a good article:

“Radical,” “missional” Christianity as the new legalism

 Basically, it's saying that you don't have to go out and save the world, but that you can live as a Christian in a normal suburban life.  This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.  I'm nearing the end of my schooling, I'm about to get married, and hopefully I'll go out and find a job.  We just bought a tiny house in West Allis.  We're so...normal.
Beyond that, I have...a past.  As does everyone, I suppose.  I consider the years between 19 and 22 to have been just a strange detour in my life.  As does everyone, I suppose.  In any event, I'm back on the path of faith and starting to become a grown-up, and I'm wondering how all of "This" fits together. 
When it comes to the church, I think that the world-changers and driven missionaries are important, vital, to the church, but that not everyone can do that.  1 Corinthians 12 talks about different gifts of the spirit, and how we are all united by God's purpose into a single body.  Missionaries and world-changers aren't the end of the story.  I also think it's a bit easier to go out an do extraordinary things for God than it is to live every day for Him. Not, obviously, that the world-changers are lazy.  If someone is called and gifted to be world-changers, then it is commendable for them to do that.  However, if we put pressure on others to also be like that, we are likely to get people who are more worried about how they can dramatically show their faith than they are about actually having or living it.  God created us as individuals, with unique personalities and talents.  The best way to honor and glorify him is by being yourself, by being the best "you" you can be.  Trying to be somebody else only leads to problems.

Is Art Made Artier by More Artiness?

     Going to a Liberal Arts college, one must inevitably tackle the question.  The Question.  What Is Art?
     It's something I've been tumbling around in my mind for a while (as all Liberal Arts students are destined to do.  We do not question our Fate.)  Every time I've encountered The Question, my mouth has tried to respond somehow, although all the help my brain was giving was: "It's a word."  And I think "It's a word?"  Thanks, brain.  What the heck does that mean? "It's a word."  What a stupid response.  Meanwhile, my brain refused to tell me what it was on about. It does that a lot.
    Then, at like midnight (of course) it suddenly occurred to me: Art is a word.

I have the Worst problems

OMG, my life.  It's almost as bad as Julia Roberts' in the beginning of Eat, Pray, Love.

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm working full-time and going to school part-time.  It's sweet, because working full-time at school means I get free tuition to this private college.  I don't particularly love my job (it's not remotely in my field, but I like the people I work with), and I'm getting paid peanuts if you don't factor in the tuition.  If you do factor in the tuition, I make a ton.  Sometimes it bothers me, because no one really pays for the tuition, they lose nothing by offering it to me, so shouldn't I get a raise?  Then I think: "What? So my income only matters if someone else is suffering for it?"  Beyond that, the fact that I have a job at all is quite the blessing in this economy, and I've been there for 5 years now.  I started when I was 19, and they've helped me, nurtured me, and let me make mistakes (sometimes bad ones) and haven't fired me.  It was too much responsibility for me at first, and I was too immature for it.  Sometimes I still am.  So it's not the job I wish I had - I am the worst person ever.

I dropped out of this school a while back because I was struggling with depression and found the atmosphere stifling.  I still hold a lot of that resentment, and I still find the atmosphere stifling.  I think, "How much does picking someone off the ground matter if you're the one that pushed them down in the first place?"  This school is great for a certain type of person, and I'm not really that type of person.  Still, I chose to come here, and I also know that my depression (still unmedicated at the time) had a ton to do with it.  So the problem is really mine.  Not that the school doesn't have it's problems, but I've been given an extraordinary chance to go back.  I'm going to graduate (in 7 years, but still, graduate), and I'm not paying for it.  I made a major mistake that could have messed up my life big time, and I've been given the opportunity to fix it.  That's incredible.  It's huge.  I am the worst person ever.