I have the Worst problems

OMG, my life.  It's almost as bad as Julia Roberts' in the beginning of Eat, Pray, Love.

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm working full-time and going to school part-time.  It's sweet, because working full-time at school means I get free tuition to this private college.  I don't particularly love my job (it's not remotely in my field, but I like the people I work with), and I'm getting paid peanuts if you don't factor in the tuition.  If you do factor in the tuition, I make a ton.  Sometimes it bothers me, because no one really pays for the tuition, they lose nothing by offering it to me, so shouldn't I get a raise?  Then I think: "What? So my income only matters if someone else is suffering for it?"  Beyond that, the fact that I have a job at all is quite the blessing in this economy, and I've been there for 5 years now.  I started when I was 19, and they've helped me, nurtured me, and let me make mistakes (sometimes bad ones) and haven't fired me.  It was too much responsibility for me at first, and I was too immature for it.  Sometimes I still am.  So it's not the job I wish I had - I am the worst person ever.

I dropped out of this school a while back because I was struggling with depression and found the atmosphere stifling.  I still hold a lot of that resentment, and I still find the atmosphere stifling.  I think, "How much does picking someone off the ground matter if you're the one that pushed them down in the first place?"  This school is great for a certain type of person, and I'm not really that type of person.  Still, I chose to come here, and I also know that my depression (still unmedicated at the time) had a ton to do with it.  So the problem is really mine.  Not that the school doesn't have it's problems, but I've been given an extraordinary chance to go back.  I'm going to graduate (in 7 years, but still, graduate), and I'm not paying for it.  I made a major mistake that could have messed up my life big time, and I've been given the opportunity to fix it.  That's incredible.  It's huge.  I am the worst person ever.

I'm really stressed out right now, because I'm also trying to plan my wedding.  The budget has tripled, even though I'm trying to keep it really simple, and we're not even planning a honeymoon at all.  Part of it is that my guy and I both have really big families (him in the normal way, me because I have 4 parents).  I'm not good at planning things, and I know I don't have time for DIY, so as simple as I want it to be, it's still running up the bill.  

I'm also nervous, because I want to keep it so simple, that I'll end up offending someone.  I guess that's always a danger, and no matter what you do, someone will think that something's tacky and you can't help it.  I'm having my bridesmaids pick their own dresses that reflect their unique styles, even though they all have way different styles and I probably won't like one or two of the dresses.  I chose these girls because I love them and value their individuality, though, and I want them to be comfortable, feel pretty, feel like themselves, and have something they'll wear again, because really none of us has any money to be silly with it.  I'm putting plastic tablecloths out for the reception.  It's picnic-style, get over it.  I thought about doing just hors d'ouvres, but we've got people coming from out of state, so I figure I should feed them.  I want Queen Anne's Lace in my bouquet, and I don't care if it's a weed.  Anyway, it's a lot of decisions to make, and a lot of decisions as to which battles to fight and how to incorporate all the people I need to, and as much as I'm trying to keep it casual, small, and low-key, it's still a wedding.

Add to that the fact that I've been terrified to get married at all - not because of anything relationship-y, just that marriage is scary (see: 4 parents, above).  I don't have a ton of good marriage influences, although my  Grama (dad's mom), and their love story was one for the ages.  I believe in marriage that lasts a lifetime - but I'm 24!  I don't know what I'm doing!  I don't know where or who I will be in 5 years, and that's scary.  

However, I am marrying a Great Love, and someone who has already been with me for a while now.  We've both changed tremendously over that time, but we've changed together, and it's worked out.  We have similar notions of how a marriage should work (whether we stick to those or not is another issue...)  We are committed to this business.  Also, his mum and mine are paying for practically the whole thing, so although the budget's gone over what I had planned, it isn't going over what they planned to give me.  I was hoping I'd have some left over, now I won't.  Such problems I have!  I am the worst person ever.

I'm also helping to renovate a tiny house I just bought sort of by accident.  That's stressful, too.  While it's being renovated, my cats have to stay with someone else, which is sad (although the girl keeping them won't even take my money, since I'm "letting" her keep my kitties and she loves them).  Then I realize that my guy and his contractor uncle are doing all the work while I'm at my job, and I just help with a few little piddly things on my day off.  My mother- and brother-in-law are also helping out. Really, what about this is stressful?  In fact, my mother-in-law paid for the house in cash (though we will be paying her back), and is letting me live at her place while the house is being finished.  The house is only about 550 square feet, but the yard is 3 times as big, it's just my guy and me, and we own it outright.

Also, my boss' wife just had a baby, so I'm taking on more responsibility at work, yikes.

Moral of the story: Life is so full of blessings right now that it's freaking me out.  Ugh!  The Worst problem to have!
Worrying is a problem for me.  I've always been a worrier.  It's pretty terrible.  Not only does worrying not solve my problems, it's also pretty darn sinful.  God has me, he's got this, and worrying is just a sign that I don't trust him.  I'm so blessed it's ridiculous.  What the heck am I worrying about?
I have a little nasty history, from when I was still unmedicated and I decided to choose the worst ways to make myself feel better about my depression.  While the depression was my motivation, that is NOT an excuse and I hold myself responsible for the bad decisions I made at the time.  For a long time now, though, I've been so focused on getting over the big sins of my past that it's been hard for me to focus on the seemingly smaller ones of the present.  It's so easy to pick out the big, obvious ones, but the little lifestyle things that creep in are so much harder.  For all single action sins are bad, it's the habitual thought ones that are the worst.  They're insidious, and they weave their way through every thought.  Thank God for grace, is all I can really say.

In other news, I'm terrible at this blog stuff.  I don't have a single entry that's under 500 words.  I'm also super scatter-brained.  I'm writing this mostly for myself, though, so whatever.