Here we go again, with another update on my life before I get into the meat of my blog.
The update is: since January, when I completely fucking lost my mind, I've been playing with my medications to try and find the right balance. We thought just popping me onto Wellbutrin in the winter, then back off again in the summer would be fine, but as soon as I went off of it, I started getting manic - not happy fun manic, but angry manic, because why should I have anything good in my life? That was mostly a joke.
Anyway, I was super high anxiety, angry at myself and others, and getting these super weird suicidal urges. I have literally never had that before. I've been what I would call suicidal before, but it came from an empty place and wasn't like this. Plus, I figure if I was actually going to do it, there'd be drama. I'd put on opera and light candles and shit. I mean, you don't know for sure, but what I'm saying is, these were not like that, and were super weird. It wasn't like I was dwelling, or had a plan, it was a sudden, very strong urge to whack my head as hard as I could against any hard, smooth thing that I happened to see. Sinks, granite counter-tops, stone railings, etc. WEIRD. Also: CLEARLY A PROBLEM
So I went back to the doctor and she put me back on Wellbutrin and also on a mood stabilizer and now:
I am feeling better than I have in years. I haven't felt this good since I first went on Lamotrigine. I guess I know that my illness is degenerative, which is terrifying, but I had been on the same dose of the same medication for 6 years, and I figured I would be ok if I just kept it up forever. Not so.
I am sleeping normally and have no particular desire to drink/fuck everything, so I'm pretty sure I'm not manic. That's the most frustrating thing about this whole business.
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christian. Show all posts
Friday, July 29, 2016
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Once Upon a Time, My Life
I really should have known that adjusting to a new position would hinder my ability to write as often as I'd like. However, I'm getting better at the job and just adjusting in general - not that the job is that hard or that stressful, just that things need adjusted to, I guess, so I've been coming home for 3 months with no desire to cook or write or interact with humans or do anything other than watch tv or play video games. And that's ok.
I sometimes worry that being ok with my own laziness will carry me away. My mom always complains that I'm not "ambitious," but I do like to always be looking for that "next thing" - graduated HS, next is college; out of college, next is job; have husband, next is baby; have job, next is promotion; have degree, next is grad school - and on and on ad infinitum. It is so. gorram. hard. for me to just enjoy life at the point it is now. It's partially Adventure! and partially Anxiety! and partially Boredom! - no, wait, just boredom. Stillness is not in my nature. So to sit and chill seems like a great concession for me.
At the same time, movement for the sake of movement hardly counts as anything. That's what I feel like I'm doing. The next thing, the next thing, the next thing - what is that thing? Doesn't matter. It's Next. New. Different. Sometimes I feel like a hamster on a wheel. And when a hamster climbs off the wheel and chills with his water bottle in his little blue plastic hut, has he deserved his rest?
IDK, MAN!
I fear that I am too careful with myself. Since finding out about my mental illness, since I started getting migraines, I give myself permission to rest. I let myself rely on Husband for things that stress me out (like leaving the house - I go to work, I come home. He does the shopping, he runs the errands, etc.). I give myself permission to flake out on plans when having friends is just too much for me. It's true that I have some conditions, and it's true that I work hard, and it's true that I have been perhaps too self-reliant for too long, but I worry that if I give myself enough leeway, I'll collapse into a pile of useless mush or something. (That happens to people, right?)
THEN AGAIN, I got a new job, then a year later, got a promotion. I'm only 3 months in. I'm just now getting to the point of comfortableness, and I'm coming back out of my shell a little. Adjustment is hard, and it's been a busy year-or-so for adjustments. Maybe I need to lay off myself.
Anyway, here's my latest slew of quarter-life crises for your enjoyment:
I sometimes worry that being ok with my own laziness will carry me away. My mom always complains that I'm not "ambitious," but I do like to always be looking for that "next thing" - graduated HS, next is college; out of college, next is job; have husband, next is baby; have job, next is promotion; have degree, next is grad school - and on and on ad infinitum. It is so. gorram. hard. for me to just enjoy life at the point it is now. It's partially Adventure! and partially Anxiety! and partially Boredom! - no, wait, just boredom. Stillness is not in my nature. So to sit and chill seems like a great concession for me.
At the same time, movement for the sake of movement hardly counts as anything. That's what I feel like I'm doing. The next thing, the next thing, the next thing - what is that thing? Doesn't matter. It's Next. New. Different. Sometimes I feel like a hamster on a wheel. And when a hamster climbs off the wheel and chills with his water bottle in his little blue plastic hut, has he deserved his rest?
IDK, MAN!
I fear that I am too careful with myself. Since finding out about my mental illness, since I started getting migraines, I give myself permission to rest. I let myself rely on Husband for things that stress me out (like leaving the house - I go to work, I come home. He does the shopping, he runs the errands, etc.). I give myself permission to flake out on plans when having friends is just too much for me. It's true that I have some conditions, and it's true that I work hard, and it's true that I have been perhaps too self-reliant for too long, but I worry that if I give myself enough leeway, I'll collapse into a pile of useless mush or something. (That happens to people, right?)
THEN AGAIN, I got a new job, then a year later, got a promotion. I'm only 3 months in. I'm just now getting to the point of comfortableness, and I'm coming back out of my shell a little. Adjustment is hard, and it's been a busy year-or-so for adjustments. Maybe I need to lay off myself.
Anyway, here's my latest slew of quarter-life crises for your enjoyment:
Thursday, July 23, 2015
On "Encouragement"
Hi,
I am a member of the Bd. of Elders at GS [that's my church. Don't worry, it took me a second, too] and want to encourage you to take advantage of the blessings to worship and commune at GS. Our records show that Linfalas last attended church on 4/5/15 and last communed on 9/14/14. Husband last attended GS on 5/31/15 and last communed on 5/10/15. There may be a mistake in our records but this is what they show.
Both of you know how important it is to stay close to your Savior. He has done great things for all of us and we are forever grateful. Attending church and communing regularly is clearly a way of demonstrating our love and thankfulness and is a fruit of our faith. This Sunday we will celebrate the Lord's Supper at all of our services. Please make an effort to attend Sunday or in the very near future.
May God bless you.
[NAME REDACTED]
I am a member of the Bd. of Elders at GS [that's my church. Don't worry, it took me a second, too] and want to encourage you to take advantage of the blessings to worship and commune at GS. Our records show that Linfalas last attended church on 4/5/15 and last communed on 9/14/14. Husband last attended GS on 5/31/15 and last communed on 5/10/15. There may be a mistake in our records but this is what they show.
Both of you know how important it is to stay close to your Savior. He has done great things for all of us and we are forever grateful. Attending church and communing regularly is clearly a way of demonstrating our love and thankfulness and is a fruit of our faith. This Sunday we will celebrate the Lord's Supper at all of our services. Please make an effort to attend Sunday or in the very near future.
May God bless you.
[NAME REDACTED]
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Leaving the WELS, Never Easy
So, working at Starbucks is killing my writing. Not that I was doing a ton of that anyway, but I'm a night owl, and my writing-brain usually turns on between 7:30 and 9, which is prime bed-time for me now.
Which is not to say that I don't love my job, because I do. I work with only nice people (for the first time in my life - and I'm not exaggerating - literally, ONLY nice people. Awesome!) I have benefits. It's tough supporting both myself and Husband on near-minimum-wage, but with food stamps (so great) and a little help from the parents, we're doing ok while he continues his job search.
Obviously, this post isn't about any of this.
The title comes from an REM song that I like. It's not my favorite, but when the day arrives that I can't think of an REM song that's at least mildly related to the topic at hand, I might as well just stop living. I like REM, is my point. Also, the lead singer from REM looks a bit like a bald, sad Ewan McGregor, which is a fact that the world must acknowledge.
That's still not what this was meant to be about. I suck at this blog crap.
Well, to be honest, I'm dancing around this because I'm at a weird crossroads and there's religious and personal and bitter and scary stuff all tied up in it, so I'm avoiding talking about it.
I've decided to leave the WELS, the church body that I was raised in.
Which is not to say that I don't love my job, because I do. I work with only nice people (for the first time in my life - and I'm not exaggerating - literally, ONLY nice people. Awesome!) I have benefits. It's tough supporting both myself and Husband on near-minimum-wage, but with food stamps (so great) and a little help from the parents, we're doing ok while he continues his job search.
Obviously, this post isn't about any of this.
The title comes from an REM song that I like. It's not my favorite, but when the day arrives that I can't think of an REM song that's at least mildly related to the topic at hand, I might as well just stop living. I like REM, is my point. Also, the lead singer from REM looks a bit like a bald, sad Ewan McGregor, which is a fact that the world must acknowledge.
That's still not what this was meant to be about. I suck at this blog crap.
Well, to be honest, I'm dancing around this because I'm at a weird crossroads and there's religious and personal and bitter and scary stuff all tied up in it, so I'm avoiding talking about it.
I've decided to leave the WELS, the church body that I was raised in.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
My (Very, Very Incomplete) Thoughts on Abortion
Here's another one that's been mulling in my mind for a long time now. My 3 regular readers (Hi guys!) have seen it pop up a few times as I have begun to contemplate it. It's about abortion. Eeww. I'm not sure how much my opinions have changed, but I am aware that they are on the move. So here's my brain as it grapples with an incredibly difficult and divisive issue.
(Another opinion that's on the move for me is my affiliation with the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod. I'm not going to write about that now, but I will when I've had a chance to think through it better and gather my thoughts...but I'm actively seeking a LCMS church to attend in my area. So, not a huge change, I know - I'm Lutheran, dammit, and I loves me some liturgy, so there's only so far I can drift.)
ANYWAY
What started it is this article: When evangelicals were pro-choice. Here's the juicy bit (verses, as always, linked for your convenience):
(Another opinion that's on the move for me is my affiliation with the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod. I'm not going to write about that now, but I will when I've had a chance to think through it better and gather my thoughts...but I'm actively seeking a LCMS church to attend in my area. So, not a huge change, I know - I'm Lutheran, dammit, and I loves me some liturgy, so there's only so far I can drift.)
ANYWAY
What started it is this article: When evangelicals were pro-choice. Here's the juicy bit (verses, as always, linked for your convenience):
"In 1968, Christianity Today published a special issue on contraception and abortion, encapsulating the consensus among evangelical thinkers at the time. In the leading article, professor Bruce Waltke, of the famously conservative Dallas Theological Seminary, explained the Bible plainly teaches that life begins at birth:
“God does not regard the fetus as a soul, no matter how far gestation has progressed. The Law plainly exacts: 'If a man kills any human life he will be put to death' (Lev. 24:17). But according to Exodus 21:22–24, the destruction of the fetus is not a capital offense… Clearly, then, in contrast to the mother, the fetus is not reckoned as a soul.”
The magazine Christian Life agreed, insisting, “The Bible definitely pinpoints a difference in the value of a fetus and an adult.” And the Southern Baptist Convention passed a 1971 resolution affirming abortion should be legal not only to protect the life of the mother, but to protect her emotional health as well."
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Whoa!
Ok, so this is a sort of non-post post. I've been dealing with some shit in my personal life that's put me behind, and also I'm working on a post dealing with abortion, even though I'm pretty sure no one wants that, because, quite often, writing these things is how I sort them out myself, in my own head. I need to do that. That topic, however, is WAY more tangled and confusing than anything I've tackled thus far, to my own very great surprise.
Anyway, I caught wind of a fabulous discussion happening in my vicinity, and thought I'd share part of it with you (none of it is my own words).
I have an internet friend who is a cultural Jew, an actual atheist, an expert historian on Victorian sexuality (specifically same-sex relations [if I understand that correctly]), a regular Anglican church attendee (while she was in Cambridge), and an all-around interesting, thoughtful, and lovely liberal person. She undertook to read the Bible, in an attempt to understand more of her own heritage and the prevailing cultural norm, etc. I have great respect for that - not a lot of people would do it (Interesting! Thoughtful! Lovely!) She's been posting little updates and questions as she goes. Today's was this:
Anyway, I caught wind of a fabulous discussion happening in my vicinity, and thought I'd share part of it with you (none of it is my own words).
I have an internet friend who is a cultural Jew, an actual atheist, an expert historian on Victorian sexuality (specifically same-sex relations [if I understand that correctly]), a regular Anglican church attendee (while she was in Cambridge), and an all-around interesting, thoughtful, and lovely liberal person. She undertook to read the Bible, in an attempt to understand more of her own heritage and the prevailing cultural norm, etc. I have great respect for that - not a lot of people would do it (Interesting! Thoughtful! Lovely!) She's been posting little updates and questions as she goes. Today's was this:
"My jaw drops lower with each chapter of Leviticus, which manages to top the last in moral precepts completely and utterly at odds with the world I live in. Liberal members of the Abrahamic faiths, how do you even cope with the fact that this text is a central part of your scriptural tradition?!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Short Hair, Don't Care
THIS:
From the comments:
"What about saving your body for your future husband?"
Well, looking at something doesn't mean you own it. Exposing something doesn't mean you share it. This is why you neighbor doesn't occasionally drive your car to work, even if it's sitting in your driveway every day.
And while we're on this metaphor, can we stop comparing women to cars and, occasionally, cows? Weirdly, people are different than objects. The fact that we can compare a woman to a car and then go on, in the same metaphor, to show how cars are more respected is really, truly alarming.
"But your body doesn't belong to you, it belongs to God and your husband."
First of all, if you're so concerned that I'm desecrating the holy temple that is my body, I hope you're really, really fit. Like, mostly vegetarian, working out several times a week kind of fit. Anyway, God said to be "modest." Modesty is cultural. Paul talks about braiding hair or not having short hair, and we tend to ignore those rules because, really? Who thinks about hair that much? Ancient Romans, evidently. Modesty is a moving target.
I would argue that the intent of the exhortations on modesty had more to do with the intent of the one being modest. Why are you wearing that? Because it's comfortable? Because you like it? Or to attract sexual attention? I have a baggy hoodie that I have worn, on purpose, to attract sexual attention, back in my naughtier days. It may sound odd, but it worked like a charm. No one on earth would have called that sweater "immodest," but it was, because I was immodest in my intent.
Also, a man's body is also God's, but nobody shames them for jogging shirtless. Or wearing basketball shorts with nothing underneath (one of my favorites). So let's not pretend this article isn't relevant.
As to your body belonging to your husband, his body also belongs to you. Read the WHOLE VERSE. It's not about possession. It's about mutual respect, commitment, and taking care of each other. It's about - wait for it - consent. Consent. Good word, consent. We should talk about consent more often. Because consent is important! Boy, do I like consent. It's weird that consent seems to be something only "the left" or "the feminazis" are talking about, because consent is right there in the Bible. Inside marriage, consent is still a thing. Wow! Consent! (Ok, I'm done now.)
"Men and women are different. Women don't think that way...Something something Testosterone" (also, any comment where womens' "lust" is put in "quotes" like a "unicorn" who "doesn't exist")
I'm sorry, have you met me? Here's an awkward fact: I have only once dated a man who could match me in sex drive. Not that it's a big pool, but that's like 25%, so still less than half. So don't talk to me about women having less of a need for sex.
Also, where is that in the Bible? Where does it say that men and women are innately built to be different? I haven't figured that one out yet.
"Women can't be sexist!" (A complaint that an article written by a woman was one of those satirized)
Yes, in fact, they can. Next question
"Paul argues against tempting others in 1 Cor 8"
This is an interesting passage, and I tend to view part of it as evidence that sin is whatever we think it is - that is, if something is not specifically forbidden by scripture, but we, for some reason, think it's a sin, then do it anyway, we actually have sinned, even if it wasn't originally a sin. That's a whole different discussion, with so many tangents and dangerous arguments, but I'm well aware of the verse.
Anyway, Paul is talking about peer pressure. If we were to apply this to clothing, it wouldn't be: That person is wearing a short skirt -> I'm going to go have lust over here and/or I guess it's ok to rape her. It would be: As a lady, I notice that that person is wearing a short skirt, which I think is a sin -> But if she's doing it, I should too -> Oh no, I'm wearing a short skirt and now I have sinned. We should, certainly avoid causing our brothers and sisters in Christ to sin. However, we simply can't have enough knowledge of a complete stranger's tastes and moral standing. We do our best. But the amount of shaming that flies around about this one thing is ridiculous.
So: If you have a male friend, and you know he has a thing for, say, tennis skirts, maybe don't wear a tennis skirt around him. Maybe don't play tennis with him. But if you're playing tennis with other people, don't feel like you have to wear sweat pants just to avoid having complete strangers lust over you. Play tennis like a human.
WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE HUMANS?
I don't know, It's like 6pm and I work at Starbucks now, so I'm too tired to end this post because it's almost bedtime and I haven't eaten supper yet. I just got all...infuriated on my insides while reading the comments to this awesome satirical article. I don't know why I went down there. YOU NEVER GO DOWN THERE. I wasn't even going to do this tonight. LEAVE ME ALONE, WORLD.
Um...
KBYE
When
Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ - See
more at:
http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
When Suits Become Stumbling Blocks: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ
Read it. Savor it. Then go, and sin no more.
From the comments:
"What about saving your body for your future husband?"
Well, looking at something doesn't mean you own it. Exposing something doesn't mean you share it. This is why you neighbor doesn't occasionally drive your car to work, even if it's sitting in your driveway every day.
And while we're on this metaphor, can we stop comparing women to cars and, occasionally, cows? Weirdly, people are different than objects. The fact that we can compare a woman to a car and then go on, in the same metaphor, to show how cars are more respected is really, truly alarming.
"But your body doesn't belong to you, it belongs to God and your husband."
First of all, if you're so concerned that I'm desecrating the holy temple that is my body, I hope you're really, really fit. Like, mostly vegetarian, working out several times a week kind of fit. Anyway, God said to be "modest." Modesty is cultural. Paul talks about braiding hair or not having short hair, and we tend to ignore those rules because, really? Who thinks about hair that much? Ancient Romans, evidently. Modesty is a moving target.
I would argue that the intent of the exhortations on modesty had more to do with the intent of the one being modest. Why are you wearing that? Because it's comfortable? Because you like it? Or to attract sexual attention? I have a baggy hoodie that I have worn, on purpose, to attract sexual attention, back in my naughtier days. It may sound odd, but it worked like a charm. No one on earth would have called that sweater "immodest," but it was, because I was immodest in my intent.
Also, a man's body is also God's, but nobody shames them for jogging shirtless. Or wearing basketball shorts with nothing underneath (one of my favorites). So let's not pretend this article isn't relevant.
As to your body belonging to your husband, his body also belongs to you. Read the WHOLE VERSE. It's not about possession. It's about mutual respect, commitment, and taking care of each other. It's about - wait for it - consent. Consent. Good word, consent. We should talk about consent more often. Because consent is important! Boy, do I like consent. It's weird that consent seems to be something only "the left" or "the feminazis" are talking about, because consent is right there in the Bible. Inside marriage, consent is still a thing. Wow! Consent! (Ok, I'm done now.)
"Men and women are different. Women don't think that way...Something something Testosterone" (also, any comment where womens' "lust" is put in "quotes" like a "unicorn" who "doesn't exist")
I'm sorry, have you met me? Here's an awkward fact: I have only once dated a man who could match me in sex drive. Not that it's a big pool, but that's like 25%, so still less than half. So don't talk to me about women having less of a need for sex.
Also, where is that in the Bible? Where does it say that men and women are innately built to be different? I haven't figured that one out yet.
"Women can't be sexist!" (A complaint that an article written by a woman was one of those satirized)
Yes, in fact, they can. Next question
"Paul argues against tempting others in 1 Cor 8"
This is an interesting passage, and I tend to view part of it as evidence that sin is whatever we think it is - that is, if something is not specifically forbidden by scripture, but we, for some reason, think it's a sin, then do it anyway, we actually have sinned, even if it wasn't originally a sin. That's a whole different discussion, with so many tangents and dangerous arguments, but I'm well aware of the verse.
Anyway, Paul is talking about peer pressure. If we were to apply this to clothing, it wouldn't be: That person is wearing a short skirt -> I'm going to go have lust over here and/or I guess it's ok to rape her. It would be: As a lady, I notice that that person is wearing a short skirt, which I think is a sin -> But if she's doing it, I should too -> Oh no, I'm wearing a short skirt and now I have sinned. We should, certainly avoid causing our brothers and sisters in Christ to sin. However, we simply can't have enough knowledge of a complete stranger's tastes and moral standing. We do our best. But the amount of shaming that flies around about this one thing is ridiculous.
So: If you have a male friend, and you know he has a thing for, say, tennis skirts, maybe don't wear a tennis skirt around him. Maybe don't play tennis with him. But if you're playing tennis with other people, don't feel like you have to wear sweat pants just to avoid having complete strangers lust over you. Play tennis like a human.
WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE HUMANS?
I don't know, It's like 6pm and I work at Starbucks now, so I'm too tired to end this post because it's almost bedtime and I haven't eaten supper yet. I just got all...infuriated on my insides while reading the comments to this awesome satirical article. I don't know why I went down there. YOU NEVER GO DOWN THERE. I wasn't even going to do this tonight. LEAVE ME ALONE, WORLD.
Um...
KBYE
This
is one of the most misunderstood teachings in Christianity… Christians
believe that our bodies, in marriage, belong to ONE ANOTHER. Not “your
body belongs to your husband” or “to your wife”, but to each other. ..
which means you are to treat one another with the utmost in respect and
love.
It’s not about possession. It’s about commitment and mutual respect.
- See more at: http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
It’s not about possession. It’s about commitment and mutual respect.
- See more at: http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
This
is one of the most misunderstood teachings in Christianity… Christians
believe that our bodies, in marriage, belong to ONE ANOTHER. Not “your
body belongs to your husband” or “to your wife”, but to each other. ..
which means you are to treat one another with the utmost in respect and
love.
It’s not about possession. It’s about commitment and mutual respect.
- See more at: http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
It’s not about possession. It’s about commitment and mutual respect.
- See more at: http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
When
Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ - See
more at:
http://thesaltcollective.org/modesty-whensuitsbecomestumblingblock/#sthash.z16WBDam.dpuf
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Grief, Anger, Prayer
Here's one that's been mulling a while as well. Another big one, like the forgiveness thing. It comes from places very personal to people close to me.
My mom is going through a very painful (and biblically sanctioned) divorce right now - after 20 years of marriage. It's a difficult process anyway, but made all the more difficult by an unsupportive pastor, a soon-to-be-ex-husband who continues to disrespect her, and a community of fellow Christians who judge her for being angry.
At the same time, I have friends who recently found out that they can't have children. Perhaps they'll adopt or take some other option, but for now, I imagine it hits like a betrayal. A betrayal of one's own body, and even a betrayal by the One who made those bodies. A strong Christian couple, who I have no doubt would be awesome parents - how can He do this to them? Here again, there are people - fellow Christians - who want to say, "You shouldn't be angry."
Now honestly, I have no real clue what the people in either of my stories is going through. I haven't had to go through anything like that myself. But I know grief, and that's what this is. People talk about grief in situations of death, but it can (obviously, I would think) be relevant to other situations as well. It's still death, of a sort - death of a marriage, of a dream, whathaveyou. The Bible certainly takes such things seriously - barrenness and adultery are used frequently as illustrations and examples of bad things in the Bible.
Now, I've got 3 things all tangled together in my mind as a result of this - Grief, Prayer, and and Anger. What is grief? Is grief different for a Christian? How do grief and anger affect prayer? Is it ok to be angry? Is it ok to be angry at God?
My mom is going through a very painful (and biblically sanctioned) divorce right now - after 20 years of marriage. It's a difficult process anyway, but made all the more difficult by an unsupportive pastor, a soon-to-be-ex-husband who continues to disrespect her, and a community of fellow Christians who judge her for being angry.
At the same time, I have friends who recently found out that they can't have children. Perhaps they'll adopt or take some other option, but for now, I imagine it hits like a betrayal. A betrayal of one's own body, and even a betrayal by the One who made those bodies. A strong Christian couple, who I have no doubt would be awesome parents - how can He do this to them? Here again, there are people - fellow Christians - who want to say, "You shouldn't be angry."
Now honestly, I have no real clue what the people in either of my stories is going through. I haven't had to go through anything like that myself. But I know grief, and that's what this is. People talk about grief in situations of death, but it can (obviously, I would think) be relevant to other situations as well. It's still death, of a sort - death of a marriage, of a dream, whathaveyou. The Bible certainly takes such things seriously - barrenness and adultery are used frequently as illustrations and examples of bad things in the Bible.
Now, I've got 3 things all tangled together in my mind as a result of this - Grief, Prayer, and and Anger. What is grief? Is grief different for a Christian? How do grief and anger affect prayer? Is it ok to be angry? Is it ok to be angry at God?
Sunday, May 11, 2014
FORGIVENESS is a Big Freaking Word
This is a long one, and one that's been mulling for a long time. I still don't know if it's quite sufficiently finished, but I think it's reached the point where it needs to be let loose. The subject is:
First: Because we have been forgiven. This is the obvious one, based on Jesus' parable of the unmerciful servant.
Second: For our own health and salvation. Selfish! According to a 2004 article by Jordana Lewis and Jerry Adler of Newsweek, research on being unforgiving shows that holding a grudge can lead to "increased blood pressure and hormonal changes -- linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory." This also has a parallel in the Matthew: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Third: Because other people are people. One of my favorite C. S. Lewis quotes (and one that continually reminds me how far I have to go in my journey) deals with this, peripherally.
FORGIVENESS
Prepare yourself, because this one's a monster. Because I love you so much, I've broken it down into topics for easier digestion, thus:
Why do we forgive?
This is a tricksy one. I mean, "because God said so" is a bit obvious. But why did he say so? It's a child's question, but one we don't ask frequently enough. (Certainly, there are things that I have to, in the end, leave at "because God says so," but I think it's valuable for our own growth, understanding, and faith if we try to understand why God requires of us the things that he does.) The answer I've come up with has 3 parts.First: Because we have been forgiven. This is the obvious one, based on Jesus' parable of the unmerciful servant.
Second: For our own health and salvation. Selfish! According to a 2004 article by Jordana Lewis and Jerry Adler of Newsweek, research on being unforgiving shows that holding a grudge can lead to "increased blood pressure and hormonal changes -- linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired neurological function and memory." This also has a parallel in the Matthew: "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Third: Because other people are people. One of my favorite C. S. Lewis quotes (and one that continually reminds me how far I have to go in my journey) deals with this, peripherally.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
On Young Readers, Growing Up, Moral Outrage, and Other Nonsense
Ender's Game and the two series that spawned off of it were my favorite books in High School. I read them every year or so for a while, because I would start to miss the characters, like friends I hadn't seen in a while. I'm told that they're not as good as I remember. I'm told that people who still cling to those books tend to have the same crazy beliefs as their writer, which is disconcerting. I was shocked when OSC started with all his defense of marriage stuff, because the main things I remember about his books were that they were about accepting people for who they were without judgment. Maybe I was reading different books than I thought I was, but those books had a big impact on my development and how I chose to interact with the world, and that's meant trying to understand people's intentions and seeing the humanity inherent. I almost want to read these books again (it's been quite a few years), but I'm almost afraid of what I will find with fresh, adult(ish) eyes.
This brings me to this article, about the privilege of being a young reader. It starts with a discussion of Ender's Game and brings it around to talk about the way that adults talk about children's literature. People who argue loudly for free speech, against censorship, take a different stance on children's books, because children are "impressionable" (read: "stupid").
This brings me to this article, about the privilege of being a young reader. It starts with a discussion of Ender's Game and brings it around to talk about the way that adults talk about children's literature. People who argue loudly for free speech, against censorship, take a different stance on children's books, because children are "impressionable" (read: "stupid").
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Working with Our Hands
I've had 3 separate people tell me this week that I should write more often. Not on this blog, specifically, just writing in general. So I'm starting here. I've got a ton of ideas, so I just have to pick one.
Let's go with one that's been on my mind a lot: 1 Thess 4:11-12. I'll quote it here:
BUT
It seems to me that increasingly, "whatever it takes" is meaning standing on corners with offensive signs, legislating other people's morality, shaming those we don't agree with, and generally making nuisances of ourselves. We think, "I'm doing God's work." Are we? Are we minding our own business? Are we working with our hands?
Let's go with one that's been on my mind a lot: 1 Thess 4:11-12. I'll quote it here:
"...and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."This is a verse that comes up in the article I linked to in "Living the Life," and it's one I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's a verse that I think is particularly relevant in America today, because for all we like to proclaim (loudly) that we're being pushed out of the public sphere, we're really not. Yes, non-Christians are becoming more numerous and vocal, but to say that they're taking over is like a teenager literally believing that the playground equipment has shrunken since she was a child. Christians, in this country, still have POWER. Yet because we have power, and because we have always had it, we seem to think that we're entitled to it. "America is a Christian country!" we shout. We'll do whatever it takes to keep it that way.
BUT
It seems to me that increasingly, "whatever it takes" is meaning standing on corners with offensive signs, legislating other people's morality, shaming those we don't agree with, and generally making nuisances of ourselves. We think, "I'm doing God's work." Are we? Are we minding our own business? Are we working with our hands?
Monday, November 18, 2013
Backlash!
Awhile back, a friend of mine posted this article, and I responded to it, and now I'm posting it here because I've continued to think about it afterward. The article is entitled:
The problem is that there is no one definition for a feminist, any more than there is any one definition for a Christian. A feminist believes that men and women should be equal, a Christian believes that Jesus died to save us from sin. Can there be a pro-life, stay-at-home-mom feminist? Can there be a gay Christian? Or one who honestly believes some people go to hell? Sure. It's a belief system, and in any such system, there are dissonant chords. If the term "feminist" is too vague, the term "Christian" sure as heck is.
Men and women are not equal
Hmm...Nothing against the rest of his blog (which I haven't read), but this particular article is just...angrifying. It's backlash against "feminism," which he doesn't want to be associated with. He argues that feminism doesn't mean "believing men and women are equal," but that every unsavory thing that various feminist movements have done have redefined the word.The problem is that there is no one definition for a feminist, any more than there is any one definition for a Christian. A feminist believes that men and women should be equal, a Christian believes that Jesus died to save us from sin. Can there be a pro-life, stay-at-home-mom feminist? Can there be a gay Christian? Or one who honestly believes some people go to hell? Sure. It's a belief system, and in any such system, there are dissonant chords. If the term "feminist" is too vague, the term "Christian" sure as heck is.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Are you happy? Or JOYFUL?
I went to a Christian Women's retreat awhile back. It was pretty awesome. I'd been to a few teen retreats and the national Youth Rally, but I'd always found them boring and dumb. Love Jesus, hate the machine, amiright, man? Society doesn't control me!
Um...anyway...
This one wasn't like that (possibly because my views on "society, man" have matured, but more likely because this thing was far less structured). It was, in fact, pretty awesome, as previously stated. We showed up on Friday night, had a little opening service, then had dinner and played games (me, Mom, Aunty, and a friend from church played Taboo [which is the best game, if you're not playing with my fiancee, who always wins, no matter who he's paired with - we once rotated him all night so that he was partnered with each person, and whichever team he was on always won, even when he was paired with the girl who said Harry Potter was a bad series of books, but Twilight was good and so was clearly stupid (yay parenthesis)]). On Saturday, we had a whole day of Bible studies. Sunday, there was a closing service and we all went home. It was kind of whirl-wind, with only about an hour on Saturday set aside for "quiet time."
What was really cool was that it was all put on by my mom's church, so most of the ladies there were from the same place, the group was pretty small, and each study was led by one of the ladies. Each one picked a different topic to cover and covered it in their own way. It wasn't too structured then, we were all sort of feeling our way through it, and I feel like I learned a ton. It was very enriching (and I now feel like I know what that word even means).
The theme was blessings, and more specifically, blessings in suffering. The question came up again and again - do you want happiness or joy? What's the difference?
Um...anyway...
This one wasn't like that (possibly because my views on "society, man" have matured, but more likely because this thing was far less structured). It was, in fact, pretty awesome, as previously stated. We showed up on Friday night, had a little opening service, then had dinner and played games (me, Mom, Aunty, and a friend from church played Taboo [which is the best game, if you're not playing with my fiancee, who always wins, no matter who he's paired with - we once rotated him all night so that he was partnered with each person, and whichever team he was on always won, even when he was paired with the girl who said Harry Potter was a bad series of books, but Twilight was good and so was clearly stupid (yay parenthesis)]). On Saturday, we had a whole day of Bible studies. Sunday, there was a closing service and we all went home. It was kind of whirl-wind, with only about an hour on Saturday set aside for "quiet time."
What was really cool was that it was all put on by my mom's church, so most of the ladies there were from the same place, the group was pretty small, and each study was led by one of the ladies. Each one picked a different topic to cover and covered it in their own way. It wasn't too structured then, we were all sort of feeling our way through it, and I feel like I learned a ton. It was very enriching (and I now feel like I know what that word even means).
The theme was blessings, and more specifically, blessings in suffering. The question came up again and again - do you want happiness or joy? What's the difference?
Saturday, August 31, 2013
You Do It By Doing It (Prayers Part 2)
I'm not always good about prayer. Even when I remember to read my Bible before bed (more rare now that I'm married and it's not alone time anymore), the prayer part is kind of hard. Like most kids, I was raised praying before you eat (that's gotta be a short one) and before bed. The problem with praying before bed is, well, I fall asleep. From what I understand, it's a common problem.
But Paul tells us (again!) to pray continually. Not before we go to bed. Not whenever we think of it. Not even 7 times a day. Continually.
I mentioned in my other post that I like to think of this as molding one's actions so that every thing we do is a sort of prayer. Other people talk about turning your inner monologue into an inner dialogue with God.
Well, that's Great! How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Well, I'll tell you:
I don't know.
I'll come back around to this later, but first here's a sad story (I have the worst life):
I've been really negative about work lately. I have wanted to quit my job for a while now, but life circumstances were keeping me here. Then those life circumstances went away and I'm free to pursue my dreams or whatever. But until I have a new job, I have to stick with this one, because, well...
Finding a new job is hard. It's discouraging. I've got a college degree and 5 years of managerial experience under my belt, but most of the jobs I've applied for haven't even called back. Of those that did, all but one just turned me down flat. I got one interview and never heard from that place again. I tried to get another good part-time internship to boost my resume, but after being selected as part of the 10% they chose to interview, I didn't get it.
BUMMER.
So I'm already discouraged by my job search, and now I have to go in to this job I don't even want. It's so easy to get down, and to slack because you're being negative. But God calls us to do our work diligently, even when it sucks. How am I supposed to stay positive?
Then a prayer just kind of Hit me. It's an old one, one I've known my whole life, one that I've never really thought about before, and one that, like all the best prayers, is set to music:
But Paul tells us (again!) to pray continually. Not before we go to bed. Not whenever we think of it. Not even 7 times a day. Continually.
I mentioned in my other post that I like to think of this as molding one's actions so that every thing we do is a sort of prayer. Other people talk about turning your inner monologue into an inner dialogue with God.
Well, that's Great! How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Well, I'll tell you:
I don't know.
I'll come back around to this later, but first here's a sad story (I have the worst life):
I've been really negative about work lately. I have wanted to quit my job for a while now, but life circumstances were keeping me here. Then those life circumstances went away and I'm free to pursue my dreams or whatever. But until I have a new job, I have to stick with this one, because, well...
Finding a new job is hard. It's discouraging. I've got a college degree and 5 years of managerial experience under my belt, but most of the jobs I've applied for haven't even called back. Of those that did, all but one just turned me down flat. I got one interview and never heard from that place again. I tried to get another good part-time internship to boost my resume, but after being selected as part of the 10% they chose to interview, I didn't get it.
BUMMER.
So I'm already discouraged by my job search, and now I have to go in to this job I don't even want. It's so easy to get down, and to slack because you're being negative. But God calls us to do our work diligently, even when it sucks. How am I supposed to stay positive?
Then a prayer just kind of Hit me. It's an old one, one I've known my whole life, one that I've never really thought about before, and one that, like all the best prayers, is set to music:
Create in me a clean heart, oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Your presence,
And take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation
And uphold me with you free spirit. Amen.
How many times have I sung that in church? How many times have I mouthed those words without really thinking about them? This prayer, this right here, encapsulates all the things I've been struggling with lately (no, always): frustration, bitterness, hopelessness, feeling weak.
So I started praying it.
During moments of weakness, whenever I was feeling negative or tempted, I would sing this to myself. I got it stuck in my head and found myself humming it unconsciously from time to time. The tune stuck in my head would remind me of the words and I would find myself praying. Sure, it was the same prayer over and over, but it's a good one, and a meaningful one. And I find that when my brain remembers to pray, I start adding little things on the end, a little conversation with God that I wouldn't be having otherwise.
I'm still not good about praying before bed, and these little prayers throughout the day don't always cover all the ground that needs covered, but you know what? That's one of the things I'm praying about.
I'm still not good about praying before bed, and these little prayers throughout the day don't always cover all the ground that needs covered, but you know what? That's one of the things I'm praying about.
That's right, I'm praying that I'll get better at praying. I can do that. Call the cops, I don't even care.
I've also been trying to pray about things immediately upon hearing about them. We all say, "I'll pray for you." And then I forget, probably you do too (agree with me, it makes me feel better about my failings). But what's stopping me from doing it right then and there? Or 5 minutes later as I walk to my car? I can totally pray while walking to my car. I can pray while cleaning dishes. I can pray while feeding the cat. You can't even stop me. Punk Prayer, y'all!
I've also been trying to pray about things immediately upon hearing about them. We all say, "I'll pray for you." And then I forget, probably you do too (agree with me, it makes me feel better about my failings). But what's stopping me from doing it right then and there? Or 5 minutes later as I walk to my car? I can totally pray while walking to my car. I can pray while cleaning dishes. I can pray while feeding the cat. You can't even stop me. Punk Prayer, y'all!
Um...
Anyway...
God doesn't need 15 min every night before bed. He needs always. He doesn't need a well-crafted essay. He doesn't even need words.
"The essential part of this (prayer) is not in the words, but in the faith, contrition, and self-surrender to the Lord. With these feelings, one can stand before the Lord even without any words, and it will still be a prayer." --Russian Bishop Theophan
Friday, August 30, 2013
He Keeps Phoning Me Up (Prayers Part 1)
Once upon a time: A king wanted to marry a certain man's daughter. Her father demanded a huge dowry. The king told him, "Go to my treasurer and ask him for whatever you want." The man went to the treasurer and asked an outrageous sum. The treasurer ran to the king and said, "Great king! This man is trying to cheat you! Even a small fraction of what he asks would be sufficient for this dowry!" But the king replied, "No. Give this father what he asks. He does me honor. He proves by what he asks that he believes me to be both rich and generous." The end.
When I heard this story, the great king was Alexander the Great. But in searching the internet, I have found this story only in sermon texts, so I am lead to assume that it's in no way true. Once upon a time.
The same week I heard this sermon, I overheard a couple of guys talking. "It never hurts to ask. You are allowed to say no. If I ask for your soul and you say yes, I will demand it from you. You can say no, but most people don't. You'd be amazed what you can get just by asking."
Then later that same week, a friend of mine gave me a book called The Power of a Praying Wife. It's an ok book. I don't know how I feel about some of the things the author talks about in the exposition sections (gender stereotypes ahoy!), but it has some Bible verses and prayers at the end of each chapter (which are really the point anyway), and those are always good.
Anyway, I feel like someone's trying to tell me something. Hmm...
When I heard this story, the great king was Alexander the Great. But in searching the internet, I have found this story only in sermon texts, so I am lead to assume that it's in no way true. Once upon a time.
The same week I heard this sermon, I overheard a couple of guys talking. "It never hurts to ask. You are allowed to say no. If I ask for your soul and you say yes, I will demand it from you. You can say no, but most people don't. You'd be amazed what you can get just by asking."
Then later that same week, a friend of mine gave me a book called The Power of a Praying Wife. It's an ok book. I don't know how I feel about some of the things the author talks about in the exposition sections (gender stereotypes ahoy!), but it has some Bible verses and prayers at the end of each chapter (which are really the point anyway), and those are always good.
Anyway, I feel like someone's trying to tell me something. Hmm...
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Living the Life
This here. This is a good article:
“Radical,” “missional” Christianity as the new legalism
Basically, it's saying that you don't have to go out and save the world, but that you can live as a Christian in a normal suburban life. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm nearing the end of my schooling, I'm about to get married, and hopefully I'll go out and find a job. We just bought a tiny house in West Allis. We're so...normal.Beyond that, I have...a past. As does everyone, I suppose. I consider the years between 19 and 22 to have been just a strange detour in my life. As does everyone, I suppose. In any event, I'm back on the path of faith and starting to become a grown-up, and I'm wondering how all of "This" fits together.
When it comes to the church, I think that the world-changers and driven missionaries are important, vital, to the church, but that not everyone can do that. 1 Corinthians 12 talks about different gifts of the spirit, and how we are all united by God's purpose into a single body. Missionaries and world-changers aren't the end of the story. I also think it's a bit easier to go out an do extraordinary things for God than it is to live every day for Him. Not, obviously, that the world-changers are lazy. If someone is called and gifted to be world-changers, then it is commendable for them to do that. However, if we put pressure on others to also be like that, we are likely to get people who are more worried about how they can dramatically show their faith than they are about actually having or living it. God created us as individuals, with unique personalities and talents. The best way to honor and glorify him is by being yourself, by being the best "you" you can be. Trying to be somebody else only leads to problems.
Monday, February 25, 2013
I have the Worst problems
OMG, my life. It's almost as bad as Julia Roberts' in the beginning of Eat, Pray, Love.
For anyone who doesn't know, I'm working full-time and going to school part-time. It's sweet, because working full-time at school means I get free tuition to this private college. I don't particularly love my job (it's not remotely in my field, but I like the people I work with), and I'm getting paid peanuts if you don't factor in the tuition. If you do factor in the tuition, I make a ton. Sometimes it bothers me, because no one really pays for the tuition, they lose nothing by offering it to me, so shouldn't I get a raise? Then I think: "What? So my income only matters if someone else is suffering for it?" Beyond that, the fact that I have a job at all is quite the blessing in this economy, and I've been there for 5 years now. I started when I was 19, and they've helped me, nurtured me, and let me make mistakes (sometimes bad ones) and haven't fired me. It was too much responsibility for me at first, and I was too immature for it. Sometimes I still am. So it's not the job I wish I had - I am the worst person ever.
I dropped out of this school a while back because I was struggling with depression and found the atmosphere stifling. I still hold a lot of that resentment, and I still find the atmosphere stifling. I think, "How much does picking someone off the ground matter if you're the one that pushed them down in the first place?" This school is great for a certain type of person, and I'm not really that type of person. Still, I chose to come here, and I also know that my depression (still unmedicated at the time) had a ton to do with it. So the problem is really mine. Not that the school doesn't have it's problems, but I've been given an extraordinary chance to go back. I'm going to graduate (in 7 years, but still, graduate), and I'm not paying for it. I made a major mistake that could have messed up my life big time, and I've been given the opportunity to fix it. That's incredible. It's huge. I am the worst person ever.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Bam! Right in the Gut
So. There was a discussion on the Facebook a while back about how mental health care is one of the programs to be slashed if we go over the "fiscal cliff." One of my friends (who is very nice, and who always means very well, who loves Jesus and her country, but who sometimes comes across as a screaming lunatic) seemed to think that was a great idea and the healthcare system hasn't done much good anyway, since (as I understand her argument) it failed to keep Adam Lanza from shooting up Sandy Hook Elementary.
Now, I realize it's up top in many people's minds right now, but bringing it up there, when no one had mentioned that tragedy, makes it sound like she's saying that this guy is a great example of mental illness, like he is a representative of that group of people. First of all, there's not much evidence supporting the idea of his even having a mental illness. Asperger's is the word that is getting thrown around, but Asperger's has no connection to violence. It's like saying, "Yeah, he was lactose intolerant, that's why he committed that massacre." (Speaking of Asperger's, here's a great article by the Asperger's guru Tony Attwood about the strengths of Aspies. Reading it made me happy.) Still, there is some hope that this shooting will prompt people to think about giving more support to the mental health professions, as USA Today hopes. With 20 to 25% of the homeless population in the United States suffering from some form of severe mental illness, this is something we need. While I'm not happy about the added stigma being attached to these already-stigmatized disorders, perhaps some good can come out of it.
This business about Lanza aside, here's the dreaded comment followed: "I am simply saying that if parents would teach their kids right from wrong like my parents taught me right from wrong, there would be fewer idiots and massacres in the US alone. Oh, I forgot, there is no such thing as absolute truth anymore. Do whatever the hell you want! It's a 'free' country!" See what I mean about "screaming lunatic?" But let's take a moment to cool down. The Bible tells us to be filled with joy and praise (Philippians 4:4; Romans 15:11), right? God tells us that he will provide for us, that he wants what's best for us, and that no hardships in life are beyond his power. So really, being depressed is a sin, right? People should be able to control their emotions, and their parents should teach them how to do this, right?
Now, I realize it's up top in many people's minds right now, but bringing it up there, when no one had mentioned that tragedy, makes it sound like she's saying that this guy is a great example of mental illness, like he is a representative of that group of people. First of all, there's not much evidence supporting the idea of his even having a mental illness. Asperger's is the word that is getting thrown around, but Asperger's has no connection to violence. It's like saying, "Yeah, he was lactose intolerant, that's why he committed that massacre." (Speaking of Asperger's, here's a great article by the Asperger's guru Tony Attwood about the strengths of Aspies. Reading it made me happy.) Still, there is some hope that this shooting will prompt people to think about giving more support to the mental health professions, as USA Today hopes. With 20 to 25% of the homeless population in the United States suffering from some form of severe mental illness, this is something we need. While I'm not happy about the added stigma being attached to these already-stigmatized disorders, perhaps some good can come out of it.
This business about Lanza aside, here's the dreaded comment followed: "I am simply saying that if parents would teach their kids right from wrong like my parents taught me right from wrong, there would be fewer idiots and massacres in the US alone. Oh, I forgot, there is no such thing as absolute truth anymore. Do whatever the hell you want! It's a 'free' country!" See what I mean about "screaming lunatic?" But let's take a moment to cool down. The Bible tells us to be filled with joy and praise (Philippians 4:4; Romans 15:11), right? God tells us that he will provide for us, that he wants what's best for us, and that no hardships in life are beyond his power. So really, being depressed is a sin, right? People should be able to control their emotions, and their parents should teach them how to do this, right?
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