I really should have known that adjusting to a new position would hinder my ability to write as often as I'd like. However, I'm getting better at the job and just adjusting in general - not that the job is that hard or that stressful, just that things need adjusted to, I guess, so I've been coming home for 3 months with no desire to cook or write or interact with humans or do anything other than watch tv or play video games. And that's ok.
I sometimes worry that being ok with my own laziness will carry me away. My mom always complains that I'm not "ambitious," but I do like to always be looking for that "next thing" - graduated HS, next is college; out of college, next is job; have husband, next is baby; have job, next is promotion; have degree, next is grad school - and on and on ad infinitum. It is so. gorram. hard. for me to just enjoy life at the point it is now. It's partially Adventure! and partially Anxiety! and partially Boredom! - no, wait, just boredom. Stillness is not in my nature. So to sit and chill seems like a great concession for me.
At the same time, movement for the sake of movement hardly counts as anything. That's what I feel like I'm doing. The next thing, the next thing, the next thing - what is that thing? Doesn't matter. It's Next. New. Different. Sometimes I feel like a hamster on a wheel. And when a hamster climbs off the wheel and chills with his water bottle in his little blue plastic hut, has he deserved his rest?
IDK, MAN!
I fear that I am too careful with myself. Since finding out about my mental illness, since I started getting migraines, I give myself permission to rest. I let myself rely on Husband for things that stress me out (like leaving the house - I go to work, I come home. He does the shopping, he runs the errands, etc.). I give myself permission to flake out on plans when having friends is just too much for me. It's true that I have some conditions, and it's true that I work hard, and it's true that I have been perhaps too self-reliant for too long, but I worry that if I give myself enough leeway, I'll collapse into a pile of useless mush or something. (That happens to people, right?)
THEN AGAIN, I got a new job, then a year later, got a promotion. I'm only 3 months in. I'm just now getting to the point of comfortableness, and I'm coming back out of my shell a little. Adjustment is hard, and it's been a busy year-or-so for adjustments. Maybe I need to lay off myself.
Anyway, here's my latest slew of quarter-life crises for your enjoyment:
1) I just applied for a release from my congregation. After the letter I got, I decided it was time. So I'm all alone now. It's scary, but also, I think, necessary. I had been trying to find a new church, but I gave myself permission to stop that search, and here's why: I have never been on my own, religiously. I have, for many years, been irritated with (what I see as) the WELS' desire to protect rather than educate. I was raised in the WELS. I have a minor in WELS Theology. I went to WELS college and have attended WELS churches all my life. At my last job, I worked for two WELS men with whom I could speak very openly about my faith (which I valued), however, I was always a junior member of any of these discussions. I feel that I have never really been able to have an adult belief of my own. As I have journeyed outside the WELS, I have found many new ways of looking at things, many new views. I have to sift through those myself, and I want to do that on my own, with the Bible as my guide, not some male authority figure. I want to figure it out with equals, to not be a junior member in any religious discussion. (I have found that balance to be incredibly hard to come by, except with women my own age and younger men - even when people say they are treating you as an equal, even if they think they are, power differentials can worm their way into anything, sadly. I seem to be particularly sensitive to them.)
So I have decided not to merely transfer from one group of men telling me what to believe and do to another. I have decided, instead, to study the Bible and explore the myriad ways that it has been interpreted by myriad peoples, and form my own conclusions. In short, I have to find a religion before I can find a church.
My former pastor, when I spoke to him, seemed to think I was doing ok, even if I did want to leave his church. He offered me the use of his library, which I will try to take advantage of. It was very sweet. He also said that the Bible must be my ultimate guide, which I do firmly believe. I just don't think that the WELS Does teach the Bible accurately. I have found many points where I differ in opinion on how certain texts ought to be interpreted. Oddly, having been raised in the WELS, with its rigid attachment to True Doctrine, is what's driving me away now. I was always taught not to compromise. Well, here I am, not compromising, and that's why I have to leave. (He also suggested that I continue to join them for communion, which surprised me, and I surprised myself by refusing - another WELS rigidity that I have turned on its head - if they practice closed communion, I no longer qualify. I don't think I have enough in common anymore, and I'm actually not sure if I agree with their view of communion at all, a discussion for a later date.)
Pastor also warned me that people often twist the Bible to suit their own agendas and desires. I have certainly seen that, and I understand why he was concerned. I would be, too. I am. I'm not sure that the WELS doesn't, though, and that's something I need to figure out on my own, again. Also, as much as I do desire pure doctrine, I have to point out that many of the most active Christians I know - the ones living their faith and spreading it - aren't all that concerned with doctrine. Not that it isn't important! Just that the only saving doctrine is Christ crucified. So much of the rest is gray area and debatable stuff. I feel that the WELS tends to be so intellectual (suspicious of emotional response, primarily because of our history with Pietism) and so afraid of works-righteousness that they forgo any focus on Christian living in favor of almost militant elitism. There are many wonderful, caring, charitable people in the WELS. There are. But they're not the ones who set the tone for the culture.
2) I don't think I want to go to Grad School. I love my craft. I am passionate about literature. I am passionate about The Future. I have always wanted to teach. I love to research and write papers. I love to read. I love to think about stuff. But I don't think that Grad School makes any sense for me right now. I'm twentyfreakingseven. By the time I graduated, I'd be 34 at least. That's not so old, in the scheme of things, but that's prime baby-making time right there, and just because I'm not ready now doesn't mean I won't be in the next 7 years. People do have families while they go to Grad School or as professors, but I'm not sure I want to live a life that requires so much struggle just to have a family.
Beyond that, the job market right now is rough. Maybe there will be system-wide changes in the next 7 years (there are certainly rumblings and grumblings now), but if I want to compete, I have to go to a GOOD school and do WELL. That's a lot of pressure. Even when I get to the end, having graduated from Columbia at the top of my class, I'll be back where I started - on the job market with no experience, at 34. I'll be starting all over again the process of working my way up the ladder. Of living on food stamps and hoping against hope that I get hired again next semester. I'm not sure I want that. Even then, even if I get a job, I'll be bottom of the rung again, with a PhD teaching 12 classes of ENG 101 every semester. I don't think I want that.
I wouldn't go to Grad School if I had to pay for it anyway, but even with TAships and fellowships it would be another 6 years of living at the poverty line - probably more after I graduated.
Lastly, and possibly worstly, I'n not sure I want a job that I'm passionate about. Those kind of jobs might seem great - do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. But how many people actually do that? Plenty don't, and they lead perfectly fine, happy lives. I love having a job that is just a job. I go to it, I do it, I come home. I don't think about my job when I'm at home (much). Teaching is a job I would constantly be taking home with me. I'd be working late hours, making myself available at all times, worrying about work while I'm trying to relax at home. Even if that doesn't drive me mad (which it very well literally might), it's a lot of stress.
Does it sound like I've given up at 27? That I'm burnt out? Maybe. Idk. I still have PTSD from my last job, even a year after quitting. It affects the way I react to things at the new one in ways I hadn't anticipated. I didn't realize what an exploitative situation it was until I got out and I'm more protective of myself, my time, and my sanity now. I like working at Starbucks. They have good benefits, they treat their employees well, and so far, I have only worked with nice people. I'm sure there are mean people everywhere, but the two stores I've worked at haven't had any. Now that I'm a shift supervisor, Husband and I have a little money each month. We bought a tree to put in our yard and a hose to water it. I bought 2 new dresses and Husband got new pants. That's not anything amazing I guess, but it is to us. With raises every year, with my desire and general ability to climb the ladder, I could be a Store Manager someday. They still make a modest salary, but I don't see myself needing more than that. I think that'd be great. Maybe it's still the honeymoon period with this job, but I might be a lifer. Maybe I want a different kind of life than what I thought I did.
This damn post has gotten too long and has too many threads, but I had to get some of that out. I can't go 3 months without a new identity crisis, and evidently I can't have just one at a time. It's my nature. For all my anxieties, though, I'm pretty happy where I am. This life is ok. It's not great, it's not terrible. I have family and friends who love me and a job that is fine. I'm fine.
So what's next?
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